my undoing

i've opened the word doc for long enough. yet i cannot seem to bring myself to continue my project. every section of the project i do it with most grudge and unwillingness. as much as i wish it would somehow turn into passion it's apparently impossible. every word i type i feel that it's pulling me closer towards failure.

i remembered, and told myself to remember hard that i must have pride in my work. and i vividly recall it was my cca teacher who told me so. right, of all people, your cca teacher ? to think those who went through official training and are considered professionals never taught that in sch. but the point is, lately i looked at my work and i hesitate to call it mine. whatever i've done, whatever i've submitted, is not only below average, but lack effort. i hate work without effort, its so... trashy?

but yet every night i've been sleeping at 3 am, waking at 9am, coming home after the sun sets.
but what have i done? what did i do? nothing substantial.

when i think of this i want to punch myself really bad, but asking me to redo, i think i'd rather punch myself. it's like im caught in between my own trap, my own expectations vs my capability vs my capacity vs my laziness. i dont have to say who wins do i?

joel hates me for my pessimism. it couldnt have been easy on him, the only group mate around constantly talking about how we're gonna fail, how we are never going to finish, and how bad the work is. and i've been whining like nonstop.

have .. to .. get .. back .. to .. work..