weaving in between happiness and sorrowness,

i love how i look so happy. even if it isn't real.


that ought to sum up what i've been doing.

before i begin my words vomit i have to jot this down - sumei let me drive her car today!!!!!!! even if it's just around the carpark i felt super duper duper happy and honoured. to entrust one's car in a hopeless amatuer's hands must have been nerve-wrecking. i think i've never properly told her how important she is to me, how relieved i feel when i finally got to see her after 2 weeks. and how i would be utterly crushed if she were to turn her back on me one day.

i told myself after yesterday i would cease to drink for a really long time. well, for at least 2 weeks till sumei's birthday. but that is if she wants to go drinking. and just to set the record straight, im not a hopeless alcoholic. damnit, im not even an alcoholic. people just assume i drink alot. which is not true, the truth is it only takes so little for me to be not-that-sober. and if it's anything, i only drink for happy occasions. i dont grab a beer from my fridge any time i want. i dont drink beer with my food. though i must say yesterday's was a really good round. and drinking is yes indeed, an addiction. but what follows after is bolts of sudden depression, like you're in the middle of the quiet ocean in a shallow sampan and waves, ferocious waves start to hit you. you're scared, helpless but there's nobody to turn to, nobody to share your fear, nobody to truly understand the anguish unless she's the one in the sampan.

i think just a year ago, i didnt use to be able to finish a drink by myself. i would always order girl-ish drinks like sex on the beach, singapore sling but i cant remember who really brought me into the world of beer. but if it's anything to do with alcohol, it has got to be xueling and jolyn. bad influences. tsk.

for a very brief moment my life has revolved around drinks and birthday celebrations. it's time to really dedicate my time to school. i also realised at different points of time, the people i meet have a very wrong perception of me. there's the bunch of people who has never really seen me drink before until recently, the always seeing me with a bottle in hand, the ones who always force a bottle into my hand, the ones who hold my hair when i puke, the ones who prefer me alcohol free and the only show up during birthdays but are never there most days people.

it's just a really warm, fuzzy feeling to meet long-time friends. the kind that leaves you smiling at the photos you took together a while ago, the kind that you cannot sms them enough to tell them to meet soon [although we all just really know that's not happening anytime soon], the kind that never fails to remind you of stupid adolescent mistakes you once made, be it 5 or 10 years.

qq said im constantly grumpy. i'm not!! just that i must say the kind of life i've been living has made me a bit hard-hearted, a bit void of emotions and the fact that there is nothing to be happy about just reinforces it.

i just like to snap at people and hope to be snapped back. i mean, why would i want to talk to a sponge that absorbs just about everything of what i say? meaningless.

im degenerating. only had 4 hours of very disturbed sleep.

if it's mind over body and what you think is what you are, then..

i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy

one each for the remaining days in august!