and was it a happy birthday!

dear sumei, Hope you enjoyed your birthday!! =)


i can never seem to sleep after alcohol, except when im badly drunk.
rebel yesterday, suburbia today. this weekend couldnt be more well-spent, couldnt have enjoyed more.
well, maybe i could, if not for projs constantly calling at the back of my head.
2 rum cokes, 1.5 screwdrivers, 1 vodka bomb, 2 hoegaredens, .5 waterfall, 1 karmakazi shot, plus clubbing with amanda and the trusty duo, an alcohol infused weekend is always good, but after it subsides whatever i have to deal with is a bitch.

gonna have to get more pictures from sumei before i can post anything.

i miss jo's house. it's like a getaway for me, all day cable tv on bed.

shall try to sleep and start getting depressed about my short-lived weekend for now.

life's a game but it's not fair.

yesterday night i dreamt that mother and i went to malaysia. we were in a bus. passed by a closed road [how funny it's a closed road but we can still drive.] riots on the road. people were just bashing and really killing each other with sticks, bats. blood all over. there were people kneeling on the pathway, crying. the driver didnt care, he just drove, ran over eveyone. and every human he ran over it felt like we were going over a hump. could feel the human body below the wheels. went back to this hostel room. the mother climbed the stairs first. the stairs were pink colour. 2 men suddenly appeared behind me, with a jagged knife pressing against my neck. the knife was hooked at the end. screamed for my mother but she didnt care. when she finally did turned, she was exceptionally calm and said she'll go dig for money. she never came back. robbers tried to snatch my wallet but i cried that it was a fake. somehow we ended up in the next room watching tv and chatting. nice. one of the robbers had like unkempt shoulder length hair.

☆amanda†★ says:
this is like your second dream that a vehicle ran over someone
☆amanda†★ says:
last time was over aaron right
☆amanda†★ says:
sadistic dreams you have man
☆amanda†★ says:
i hope i nv feature in them
☆amanda†★ says:
and and
☆amanda†★ says:
your dreams are like rated R21 for gore and violence type

lol. well the first dream i dreamt i was driving with the father beside me then aaron dashed across the road, right in front of my car but before i could hit him he DISINTEGRATED. im not kidding he really disintegrated right in front of my eyes but then i felt i ran over someone. i stopped and opened the door. i saw his severed arm, minced at the joint, could see the bone and blood splashed across the road. a policewoman promptly arrived and just asked me to carry on driving. she squat down and started cleaning the mess with a cloth. i know, like why of all ppl aaron? haha, i didnt tell him though, who wants to know they disintegrated in my dreams and that his arm was severed and ran over by me right.

it's disturbing to have gory dreams. too vivid. is this a premonition? am i the next destined one to be ran over by a car?

anyway im so sick i feel like im burning inside of me but my limbs are cold. sigh
2 weeks to 3 project submissions yet i've done shit. i dont know what the late nights are for. i would just stare at the screen blankly and not know a word to type.

i've also been trying to read the book amanda lent me. it's a really good book. i generally like reading but im major slow. im not even one eighth through the book and i've tried to be like her, can just whip out a book and readily read. i cant. i need quality, uninterrupted time to properly read and enjoy, go into the scene the author is setting.

but my attention span is a little poor. once i start i cant stop because if i stop i'll never start. i tend to forget and to find a book that manages to keep my interest and attention up isnt too easy i guess?

plus i have a habit of not wanting to read last chapters or watch last episodes. because i will always feel that it's the end. the end to everything even though it might be a happy one. when i finish a book or series, what happens next? i can no longer read the book or watch it. re-reading or re-watching is a different feeling.

the story ends, and i have one less thing to keep me interested.

perfection and reality, why the big gap?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i realised i have 5 more lessons to go before i end this semester.
FIVE LESSONS! i cannot recall a single shit i learnt and i havent even bought the textbook. yay i rock..
I AM SO GOING TO DIE THIS SEMMMM!!!!!! and bloody uol ppl are still having holidays. pfft.

im a little excited for this weekend but also mighty guilty. my projects are like all not done? but this weekend i will be supposedly having fun.. and im excited for sumei's cake! haha i hope it'll be really really major major pretttty! haha

still working on my 400 + 200 words. i am so condemned sighh

MY LIFE IS IN PERILS!

when i say jump you say how high, when i say epi you say cure

i've been trying to write something for my project for the whole day but i cannot even churn out 400 words it seems.

i seriously need some discipline over here. i would try to type, and then get annoyed by my lack of vocabulary and start to surf other random, useless, irrelevant sites.

i wish my english was still with me. i find myself deteriorating everytime i'm in need of it. even simple sentence structure has become a problem. yikes.

an unexpected msg from tyl has made me hopeful about saturday though. just hope it's the real deal. after all it's only monday, plans always change throughout the week. the past week was pretty boring. late nights to do a dumb proposal which im not confident about, chalked up 3 days of work in a row. oh and my favourite baker is leaving!!! =( through the months the kitchen has undergone a typhoon and the people in the kitchen now are all, unfamilar faces and much much less friendly. it's so weird. the atmosphere's completely changed. apparently for an outsider like me, baking does seem to be carefree and a little dreamy and awesome. but as with anything, once you turn a hobby into a job or obligation, i guess the passion wears off? you're doing it somehow not because you enjoy it anymore, but more of an obligation to fulfill the tasks. like studying.

i should really get back to my 400 words.

If you could’ve tried to trust the hand that fed

If I had eyes in the back of my head I would have told you that you looked good as I walked away


i know right, fancy blogging when i have this project up my nostrils already.
but i figured i need it, i would really need a channel to direct all my negativity away. no it's not the teammates. it's just the helplessness of not knowing what to do and afraid to fail if i should do something so horribly wrong.

it's times like this i wished i was still in poly, with the 3 of them. projects were smooth to a scary extent. well, at least it was for me. we always somehow managed to do it. and it's kinda sad to think back and remember im in the room where we once were, 4 laptops cramped in a really small room. no aircon, just a old, useless fan.

sigh, i couldnt connect to the internet in school today and i was completely crushed. well back in it school anyone walking down the concourse would have solved it in a few clicks.

my best 2 years of life seemed to have past me by unknowingly and all im left with is ... agony?

anyway i must totally admit i have a confrontational tone. it always comes out wrong. as in, yes i speak slightly louder so i may have come across as offensive but that's really not what i intended. i guess when im pressed for time i tend to raise my voice a little. there was one point in time today i forgot what i said and there was a brief moment of silence. and i hate it that hui hui has to suffer the brunt of it all because she's just too nice! and soft. and nice.

the 'im happy' phrases didnt work. damnit.
okay amanda's online to distract me now hahhah thank god for her.
sometimes.

weaving in between happiness and sorrowness,

i love how i look so happy. even if it isn't real.


that ought to sum up what i've been doing.

before i begin my words vomit i have to jot this down - sumei let me drive her car today!!!!!!! even if it's just around the carpark i felt super duper duper happy and honoured. to entrust one's car in a hopeless amatuer's hands must have been nerve-wrecking. i think i've never properly told her how important she is to me, how relieved i feel when i finally got to see her after 2 weeks. and how i would be utterly crushed if she were to turn her back on me one day.

i told myself after yesterday i would cease to drink for a really long time. well, for at least 2 weeks till sumei's birthday. but that is if she wants to go drinking. and just to set the record straight, im not a hopeless alcoholic. damnit, im not even an alcoholic. people just assume i drink alot. which is not true, the truth is it only takes so little for me to be not-that-sober. and if it's anything, i only drink for happy occasions. i dont grab a beer from my fridge any time i want. i dont drink beer with my food. though i must say yesterday's was a really good round. and drinking is yes indeed, an addiction. but what follows after is bolts of sudden depression, like you're in the middle of the quiet ocean in a shallow sampan and waves, ferocious waves start to hit you. you're scared, helpless but there's nobody to turn to, nobody to share your fear, nobody to truly understand the anguish unless she's the one in the sampan.

i think just a year ago, i didnt use to be able to finish a drink by myself. i would always order girl-ish drinks like sex on the beach, singapore sling but i cant remember who really brought me into the world of beer. but if it's anything to do with alcohol, it has got to be xueling and jolyn. bad influences. tsk.

for a very brief moment my life has revolved around drinks and birthday celebrations. it's time to really dedicate my time to school. i also realised at different points of time, the people i meet have a very wrong perception of me. there's the bunch of people who has never really seen me drink before until recently, the always seeing me with a bottle in hand, the ones who always force a bottle into my hand, the ones who hold my hair when i puke, the ones who prefer me alcohol free and the only show up during birthdays but are never there most days people.

it's just a really warm, fuzzy feeling to meet long-time friends. the kind that leaves you smiling at the photos you took together a while ago, the kind that you cannot sms them enough to tell them to meet soon [although we all just really know that's not happening anytime soon], the kind that never fails to remind you of stupid adolescent mistakes you once made, be it 5 or 10 years.

qq said im constantly grumpy. i'm not!! just that i must say the kind of life i've been living has made me a bit hard-hearted, a bit void of emotions and the fact that there is nothing to be happy about just reinforces it.

i just like to snap at people and hope to be snapped back. i mean, why would i want to talk to a sponge that absorbs just about everything of what i say? meaningless.

im degenerating. only had 4 hours of very disturbed sleep.

if it's mind over body and what you think is what you are, then..

i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy

one each for the remaining days in august!

as good as it gets.

it's as if the mist on the glass suddenly cleared up and one can instantaneously see through it.

suddenly everything feels very surreal, haven't slept for almost a day, not a single tinge of sleepiness. and for once, staying sober to see everyone else around you fall into drunken abyss felt good. it felt superior, with a little condescension involved.

and then a sudden realization struck me. it's not anyone but the law of nature, rule of the society.

i'll draw a circle around me and be comfortable in it for now.

wj looks like the one doing the v sign. haha





mad lazy to update!!! got photos dating back from a month!!! AUGUST ALREADY!





HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAY YAN LENG!





the crossover from 31/7 to 1/8 is always special cos from fibi's bday it's a crossover to yanleng's. 2 of the very important people in my life.




miss the two of them so much! =(