suddenly i see

jojo is in slumber beside me now. blinghere's abandoned me.


went to 3 golf places and 3 farms today. ikea for poached salmon + wingzz. yum yum.
im going to count my blessings today and say this sat's great. i feel the effort and that's prolly why im not grumbling as much. STILL CANT BELIEVE SHE LET ME GO JUST LIKE THAT THOUGH. but sigh, i think this is about as good as it can get? i dont think anyone will be as considrate and thoughtful as this.

feeling abit sneaky and surreal now. sky's darkening and the lights aint on. its so quiet i can hear a pin drop. craving for sinfulll dessert now now now. kind of silly but i wish today'll never end. also funny cos im not feeling as spiteful as i should or thought i'll be. i guess i miss jojo enough. hahah dont wanna jinx myself but i think im going on a rebound. it's as if i've been brooding and harping on alot of things for the longest time but suddenly you come to the point when you're through with the harping then you might as well just take anything that goes. like having been through the longest tunnel and suddenly you see the exit of the tunnel, the subtle light shining in. or grasping a mega big bunch of balloons [think: up] and then suddenly letting go. you dont lament at the sadness of letting go but more of appreciating the colourful balloons filling up the blue sky at the same time. then you take in a deep deep breath. everything's good...


by now im completely engulfed in darkness, only light comes from this screen. yet i'm experiencing a strange glad feeling. my love's bigger than i thought.
maybe for once i'll just stop focusing on how this day'll never come by again and just be thankful i had it once.


after reading the above paras myself, i suspect im having a heatstroke.
ok imma gonna find a gong and wake the grizzly uppp!

i want this shit forever man, ever man, ever man

the week passed pretty fast, considering right now it's a fresh week. which doesnt really matter since every week bascially feels the same. life's on routine mode now it doesnt make much of a difference, mon, tues, wed, 1st or 31st, 2009 or 2010.


i've photos. been taking some photos since i bought a new battery, kinda like rekindled love with the camera i guess.the weekend was pretty good, spent the whole of saturday with phoe and madd doing girly stuff. sunday with the trio plus the bears and c later on. i realised i feel tired too easily these days, the sleeping issue is still bugging me. i fall asleep and abruptly wake up. there's nothing worse than being the only awake one while the rest are asleep. the loneliness in the middle of the night strikes you so bad you say the most silly and insane things. on the contrary, a good night's sleep infuses you with so much positive energy the next day, the instant you wake you feel you can tackle anything, that is until you remembered how bad last night things went though. sigh


happiness is overrated, an exaggeration.
if happiness defined is the state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy, what does happiness mean to you?

smells like nostalgia and youth

spent the day with jojo today. marina barrage's gallery cafe is actually a pretty good place. we were just talking and i concluded that i just dont seem to care about events in life as much as i used to.i used to think a great deal of 'what-if's but for as long as i can remember i havent been doing that, i dont put any meaning into things or events in life anymore, which to a certain extent is pretty sad. should i not be at the peak of my life at this age? but then again perhaps it's just a shift of attitudes and priorities in life i guess.

so anyway i was inspired to look back at my old entries. woah ive been blogging for 7 years now. i still remember who and what triggered it. how twists and turns eventually made us physical neighbours at this point in life. i dare say things would have been very different if the timings changed. okay, duh!

i faithfully read the entries from 03 to 04 and sigh, i missed my production days. going to sch at wee hours like 4am, tech runs, rehearsals, backstage. how after 4 yrs, being the most senior i still ended up as a effing runner. how i was never given a chance, how yf and i were badly lashed at by mr yeo. how i could operate a sound system but was never given the chance either. miss doing stage markings, running around, competing who can coil cables the fastest. damn i miss coiling cables challenges. the different tyes of microphones, lights, floor plans. pride in work. red carpets.

i forgot. forgot one was a girl guide who knows how to start a campfire, another one the president of the drama club. names like smelly melly. how we passed post-its to cheer one another up and have ppl making my name in cookies and oreo cheesecakes. how we get super excited for wear-what-you-want days which come once a year. i also found out that i actually gave xl's confirmation a miss.

if it's anything to go by, at least half of the ppl i mentioned in my posts are still by my side and im truly grateful for that. life 7 years ago was much simpler, silly cracking of heads about how to buy cigarettes and hooch at 7-11s'. how the only means of transport was prolly bus or at best cabs, gotta be home by eleven or so.

oh well. another day reserved for reading entries from 05 to 08.

another star joins the sky

just want to let you know i'm with you, for better or for worse. mightn't be physical, but definitely emotional.



i'm sorry.

churn churn churn

finally striked off another item on the top ten things to do before 2010 list. okay so we were 14 days or so late. yay and now you're reading a blog whose author is a proud achiever of the level 30 buffalo wings certificate! well the dinner was definitely madness, with milk at $5 per cup, numbed tongues, trembling limbs and involuntary tearing with aftermaths yet to come. OKAY granted i only ate the wing but im damn proud of myselfffff, at least i tried it ! almost died at the first mouth but at the same time when the spiciness hits you and you get so overwhelmed by the numbness there's a very strange feeling of addiction and satisfaction, i find it comparable to being drunk, or in some cases self-mutilation? a litte sinister i know. it did help that we had a very nice waitress though.



level one, it's actually not too bad




level 30! off-menu and now there's actually a level 35!!! we also found out the origin of the chili but we're not telling! haha



swearing off meat for the next ten days.

the best thing about the challenge is everyone gets a cert once the plate's cleaned! which means freeloaders like me get a cert too! yayness


MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!



the one who deserves it, i think she took like half the plate along with c. haha and survived.






for a personal record i woke at 4ish today. laid on the bed till 7. had to resort to sleeping in front of the tv at ten and then woke up every two hours, twelve then two. im absolutely cranky and insomnia is very taxing emotionally. there's nothing that strikes as bad as suddenly waking up at 4am and having nobody there for you. the feeling of being alone can get overwhelming, especially when the sky's not lit yet. plus i dont think anyone who didnt get enough sleep can wake up feeling hopeful about anything. these days they seem harder to pass recently. perhaps it's the lack of happiness, come to think of it i havent been hearing good news for the longest time. i need to get out of my own thoughts before they do me in.

dont stop, if i fall. and dont look back

met c today. semi cheated into some hi-tea buffet and caught alvin and the chipmunkks. Theodore is mad cute i swear! everytime he appears i just feel like jumping up from the seat and grab him. haha talk about delusional.

well in a while it will be my 4574533th attempt at sleeping early. yesterday was another failed attempt. slept at 2 ish, woke at 4 ish and 6 ish. intervals. right. while i was lying on the bed i figured my ipod might make a good companion. played two albums of mcr and woah, do i miss them.

i remembered for a very long time i was fervently reading up on horoscope forecasts but then at some point of time i gave up and forgot about it because time and again it was nothing but empty lies and promises, which are sadly what i always rely on. i mean i still believe in horoscopes governing certain character traits but forecasts are really.. bullshit. but then i just went to check my jan forecast. damn! haha im really this big time sucker for such things, even when i am failed again and again , there's still some secret expectations i guess.

suddenly as im talking to tqt i miss the poly days so much. it was nothing but waking up to see the three of them and gossiping all day long. but now i've no idea where they are scattered. okay fine i know but meeting seems to be really difficult somehow. those days were priceless. and of course there were the secondary school days, where sudden spot checks were the only worries. 

i wonder why when i was little i wanted to grow up. and didnt believe it when adults told me when im older i would wish i was younger. oh i think homework was the driving factor to wish to grow up. i still hate the homework and no tv part. but nobody really hates a child, nobody places too much emphasis on a child's weight, the things she uses, the clothes she wears, the money she's got, the thoughts that run through her
mind, the mind games, manipulation.


if we only live life once like what everyone says, what are we still afraid to live it? with every minute gone it doesnt come back, so what's stopping us? consequences, that's probably what we are afraid of. but even so, doesnt consequence pass with time too? then maybe it's scars? memories? boils down to fundamental self? oh well, such a spiralling thought.

today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

this post is basically meaningless, just to emphasize im damnnnnn mad hungry thus im grouchy. grouchy grouch grouch. the sister bought hot cheng teng which scalded my tongue and it was so bad i resorted to eating prunes in a ditch attempt to soothe the tongue. which obviously didnt work. fml.


i want to eat twistter friess, steamboat, with loadsa pig's liver yum yum. and chunks and chunks of meeeat. meatballs,sausages! =( I WANT TO EAT STEAMBOAT!!!!!!!! am i not a girl for wanting to eat liver? haha kian says im a man..#%$&%%^&!^$  but jolyn says im full of estrogen. yay! haha

nobody wants to eat steamboat with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee =(

oh oh, tried to sleep early yesterday but in the end what did i get? waking up at 4 ish am feeling like the most annoyed person on earth. my weird syndrome is back but i hope when school officially kicks in i go back to the concuss by ten state.

oh oh oh i ran for 5 minutes today! got scared when i had to run past the stretch where the little boy's body was found, didnt help that it was dark and at the end was just a funeral. damn, im good.

You keep ya love locked down, you lose

woah cant believe it's 3pm and technically speaking i havent started my day yet. a random message sent today uncovered an important negligence on my part. an important friend pointed out that my priorities and focus has been blatantly shifted lately. im neither defensive nor offended. neither am i guilty. truth is i've never quite been away or missing, but sometimes we trap ourselves in what we want to believe in and it just spirals downward. perhaps one of the reasons for not reaching out is for fear of rejection, or just pure assumption, then who is to read whose mind? well of course im not shirking responsibility for portraying myself in such a way that i made you feel that i wont have time for you. note to self: will work on it. on another frivolous note i credit myself for blogging adequately these days although the contents are really really short. gonna upload a's twenty-two pics soon. some of them. i look at the photos and noticed that is it the day itself or is it me giving put very psychotic looks these days? im not paragraphing on purpose cos anyone who can read a whole blob of words is either 1)loves me 2) too bored 3) very very kpo indeed. or maybe 4) plain dumb. so i have to keep typing in order to make this a really reallly wordy post. and im still on the bed. parents off up the hills pulling jackpots. and next weekend they're going over to bkk. they were supposed to bring me but apparently my presence must not have been impt enough because one night they casually mentioned they were travelling next weekend. so where does that put me?!! i figured im gonna go back to sleep abit more because i woke up the wrong way today. and way too early. first opened my eyes at nine am but i forced myself to sleep. is it not sad that sleeping must be forced? whenever i have nothing on for the day i wake really early and when i have an itinerary for the day i cannot seem to get up on time. anyway more about me, duh cos this is my space, i really appreciate the stay home days. i think im lacking in that actually. need to cut myself off people sometimes, just to settle myself abit so i dont act up on them. im a really slow person so i need to take things slow and the zen way. only when im alone i hear my thoughts, i think about myself, how to tackle things, relationships and fundamentally myself. if i cannot tame myself how do i become a better person for my beloved ones? plural. i dont know, i feel a strange funny need to be there for people if they should need me, even when im in mud myself. well, we cant possibly hug together and jump down the mountain right. maybe it's cos my blood type's o, imma a giver haha. woah this is getting random. let's see how more random i can get. i keep forgetting my passport's ready for collection and im supposed to go collect it. it always slips off my mind like it's never happened. this is bad, real bad, michael jackson. and i just love kanye west too much. im looping love lockdown. the chorus is splendid! this song stirs up alot of emotions. and suddenly i miss yanleng jolene qianting. i wonder if they still remember me though. i wonder if they know ur picture is faithfully sitting on my cell as wallpaper, that the first thing i see every morning is them. oh and and i've successfully mastered the art of long messages, now im gonna hone my skills everyday and next time is to close my eyes while msging. that is also why i need my buttons. can reply in 5 secs flat, better than instant msgsing sometimes. and im anticipating this month's sms count. heh, it was 1700 ish last month. replying frivolously is love indeed. im such a spammer seriously haha. and i've wanting to eat manhattan's platter for the longest longest time sigh! i wonder does anyone still eat fish n co? but apparently the recipe was from fnc's. oh well who cares really. and madeleiene's back in town but i still havent met her. undeserving friend she has in me. well she's been the one cancelling out on us! she's so busy she prolly forgot my surname. i think i've managed to type pretty much. and if you ever ever made it to your way here faithfully you are either a) infinitely bored b) im too cool thats why you keep reading c) you love me immensely d) siao. well, you know you love me!

xxoo because im dying to be different,
the AWESOME-est!


p/s just felt like i've been talking to myself all along. and i sound kinda happy!

misery business

happy 22nd amanda, im truly sorry i couldnt give you the best night of your week.



zouk sucks. this is the 2nd time stepping in and i resolute no more in 2010.



i've this sudden realisation. that experiencing something depressing on your own, isnt half as bad as knowing the people you truly love are going through heartaches, yet there is nothing you can quite do because everyone has to fundamentally deal with their own issues. but seeing them going through these heartbreaks, you wished you could be more for them, but there's really only so much you can do. perhaps i like to torture myself by not sleeping during the wee hours,  being awake and thinking is a torture because the night is always dark, which automatically drags me down. love is an overrated word too many a times, how much meaning do we put into it? does love come with a warranty or expiry or exceptions? is it more of joy, or is it more of hurt? when one says he stops hoping, does he really stop having hopes? how is it possible? when one says she doesnt trust anymore, does she really not trust anymore or is she forcing herself to deny the trust? but even still, wouldnt you harbour the hope that maybe this time it might be an exception? that, for once he might truly mean what he said, after so many times of lies and deceits. humans are but fallible, coming and leaving with nothing tangible.

i believe in indulgence until the point you truly give it up altogether. when im done with this shit i know i will be a better person. although im not quite sure whether this might be a bottomless pit.

this will be my 100th post. the dreams in which im dying are the best i ever had.

song of the mo - mad world.



i don't even know how i should start this post. i figured typing something might actually help me now, just to soothe things out for abit. maybe i can start with how for sq we've a sudden group member, or how i climbed two overhead bridges to pay exam fees which are not even mine, but just for amanda (who is very impt to me and deserves everything i do for her). how my cough is worsening by the minute, how i have no recollection have anything i've been doing. every action is like mechanical and without much thought. which i have to say, is kind of scary. it's only the sixth day into the new year but the lethargy is overwhelming. i think i have issues, but it's not the kind that you can ask 'what happened?' and then i'll be able to answer you a specific event or something. it's more like a build-up of things.  anyway lately i guess i have been too reliant on people around me and this is going to kill me if they should ever leave one day. perhaps you might jump to your defence and say you wont leave, but somehow we all know that isn't true. okay maybe not leave completely but just the drifting apart thing is enough to kill me. and i guess it also isnt about leaning on reliable people or not, it's just that i need to grow a backbone and stop relying on the comfort of others. if there should be anyone to depend on, it has to be myself. nothing seems to be inspiring enough for me to write at length about so i guess the lack of content and substance is like a reflection of my life for now. well i do hope this is a transitional phase, but it does seem that the last few posts wasnt anything too cheery or chirpy to go by.

frivolous note, classes have been way boring and i've been messaging throughout the 3 hrs. i still cant really accept the fact that i've already started school and forming project groups! and that my sister is going to rom in 2 months time. the one that shares the room with me and kicks me when i cough in the middle of the night is gonna go start her own family now. as much as we hate each other, i'll still miss her. haha i remember the days i came back from a horror movie and i would deliberately be damn noisy so she'll wake up in the middle of the night and i'll feel better that she's awake. i used to always bug her and asked if she loves me, and she'll give a ' of course not! ' . sighh, i'd rather share the wardrobe and the space than have it all to myself.

what's left, or what's not.

i've been sleeping for a thousand years it seems, got to open my eyes to everything.


woke up from a nap earlier on and felt hollow from inside out, again. was it the alcohol last night? it didnt seem that much. or is it the fact that holidays are now over, like some sort of awakening to reality? for a person who tends to think way too much, these things carry enough symbolism and significance. i guess tmr is the day 2010 officially kicks in and things will return to a mundane, stiffling, rigid routine with constant struggles to keep up. no more intoxication, no more debauchery. dec 2009 was definitely something i guess.


okay fourth day of new year now. i prolly have a 1001 thoughts running through my mind but to settle them down and keep it together is all too difficult for me now.

on a solemn positive note even if im always down i refuse to be out.

who says 2010 must be a happy year?

posting from jojo's room. picked her up in the early afternoon. manual picking up haha. i think she's the only one who appreciates my picking without a car. she says its an effort. haha waited an eternity and got excited at a false alarm when i saw the belt carrying baggage.belt 33 not 32. i suck =(

anyhows, keeping my fingers crossed, let tonight be a good good night!


sigh, last weekend of everything fun!